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November & December 2008
Parent Tip
by
Penny Apollaro, LCSW
With the holiday season upon us, we have much to be thankful for, much to celebrate and some real reasons to feel stressed! I hope you’ll take some time this season to plan for your own stress management as well as your child’s – remembering that our children take cues from us so that when we are stressed out, they know it and they feel it too.
Here are some tips to consider this holiday season for managing stress…
Plan for “down time” for both you and your child with autism. Children on the autism spectrum can become easily overwhelmed with a change in their schedules (i.e. school break, celebrations, etc.), and with overstimulation from new places to new faces. To help ease the stress of managing these changes, be sure to plan some daily, quiet, free time for your child and advise your child of this plan ahead of time. Allow your child to choose an activity (among choices you approve) and then spend some time with him/her observing and “tracking” his behavior (telling him/her what you notice him/her doing) and reflecting how he/she seems to be enjoying himself, etc. Along the same lines, planning some of your own quiet, free time – even if just 15 minutes – can refresh you so that you are ready for the next event.
Try relaxation or meditation with (and without!) your child. Before and/or after a party or gathering, before rest or bedtime, or any other event, take a few minutes to relax. This can be a simple exercise of taking deep breaths together, tensing and relaxing facial muscles (making funny faces while you’re at it), hand muscles, feet muscles, or closing your eyes and imagining a “happy place” while listening to some relaxing music. For parents, scheduling (and this could be with your spouse!) a massage or taking an extra long hot shower or bath can help revive the tired, stressed self.
Stick to schedules / routines/ traditions. Even though children will be out of school, other routines, like bedtime, will be important to keep in place. Sleep is especially important as is nutrition and/or mealtime, and any other activity time to which a child is accustomed. Along the same lines, continuing any traditions you in which you participate (decorating the Christmas tree together, making holiday cookies together, making a list of things for which we are thankful, etc.) will help the child with autism sense some predictability during this time and help you feel a sense of family connection and meaning to the season.
Try pro-active discipline. It is very easy to respond to a child’s MISbehavior with demands of change and assurances that punishments will follow especially when both parent and child are tired and stressed. However, this alone, usually leaves both parties feeling more frustrated and stressed. Try, instead, taking a proactive approach of informing your child of the positive behavior you wish to see and of the reward that will follow (better yet, you might give them a choice of rewards or invite them to offer their own suggestion for a reward). This can be especially helpful just before a transition is about to take place. You can also try sharing your own feelings with your child and how you are going to handle them (“I notice that I am feeling a bit stressed shopping, I’m going to take a time out for 10 minutes and go sit down and rest”) – in doing so, you are modeling positive, preventive, coping skills and attaching words to feelings and behavior that may otherwise be confusing to or misunderstood by your child.
Create a social story. Before going into a novel situation this holiday season, take some time to write a story for your child in which he/she is the main character. This story should include what your child can expect and how he/she can positively and effectively handle any difficulties that will arise. This is a great time to remind the child of his/her strengths and of the support that you will offer as he/she bravely faces potential challenges. You can use pictures along with words to help tell the story if you’d like. Children typically enjoy being the star of the story and feel more confident knowing what to do and expect.
Remember the reason for the season and share this with your child – we can all get caught up in the materialism that this season brings with it. It takes a conscious effort to remember that the season is about sharing quality time with those for whom we care and giving that comes from our hearts. We can help our children understand this by allowing them to participate in the gift giving – perhaps they create something themselves or purchase something small with their own allowance or savings. Or perhaps they do something for the community by collecting canned goods from family and/or friends and dropping them off at a local food pantry or church. These activities should help decrease stress and increase our feelings of joy and peace.
However you choose to spend the holidays, I hope you’ll take steps to decrease your stress and enjoy this time with family and friends.
Penny Apollaro, LCSW
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