Dear Parents,
The New Year has arrived and so many of us find ourselves making New Year’s resolutions, planning for positive changes and regrouping after a busy holiday season.  During our last parent support group, parents offered their own pearls of wisdom as gifts to each other.   I also offered a “gift” of sorts to parents – something to keep in mind as they planned for the holidays.  I believe it is worth contemplating as we move into 2009 as well.  The gift is this –

The Serentiy Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You’ve likely read this before and perhaps you even refer to it in your daily life.  I think it is fitting as you walk the fine line in managing life parenting a child with autism – of working tirelessly to help bring about change in your child (reading all the research, finding  all the therapies, paying  for treatments, working  with schools, tending to your family and/or your marriage (including managing their behavior and expectations),  understanding  your child (and other children), etc.) and learning to step back,  accept, appreciate and love your child for the wonderful  and precious child that he/she is – just the way he/she is – in this moment.

In a previous note to parents, I referred to a letter written by Dr. Robert Naseef, PhD. – parent of a child with autism – who offered this about the process of parenting a child with special needs and the notion of acceptance and serenity:

…try to accept yourself as you are – a kind and loving parent doing your best with your child who is undoubtedly doing his or her best under trying conditions.  A perfectly lovely child with special needs can be very hard to be with because of their behavioral, social, or communication issues.  But people often believe that when you love somebody, you love to be with them.  When you don’t feel that and you think you should, the guilt can be unbearable, and your heart aches.  As you can accept yourself in a kind and compassionate way, your heart heals, and then the grief lightens.  The sun comes out, and change is more likely.  Finally, accepting our pain and ourselves leads to accepting and enjoying our child and our family.  This is the gateway to love and happiness.

Along with this broad perspective of acceptance that you are considering as we enter 2009 – you can also reconsider the things you face on a daily basis with the Serenity Prayer in mind.   You may be able to think of specific situations in your own mind that left you feeling frustrated or irritated in the recent past.  Perhaps there are specific situations even in this New Year that you are currently facing that elicit these feelings.   Try asking yourself, “is there anything I can change in a positive way about this situation by what I say or do or is this someone else’s responsibility?”   Or, “am I trying to control something or someone that is beyond me? If so, can I let it go?”  Of course other questions to ask yourself involve finding the courage and motivation to change the things that you can.  You might ask yourself, “is there something in my life that I can change to make my life or my family’s life better?  If so, am I ready to do it?”  In some situations, changes you make will be behavioral.   You might ask yourself, “when  I feel the demands on me are too high, do I have the courage to say “no” to some of them or ask for and accept help?”   And, “to whom or where can I go to get the support I need to make this change?”   Or, perhaps a change in the way you think about a situation is called for.  Try asking yourself, “Are there also some positive aspects as well as some negative aspects  about this situation?”  And, “can I handle this situation – can I be okay with it - even though I don’t like it and would prefer for it to be different?” instead of simply believing, “this is just awful, I can’t stand it!” and acting in accordance.

In any case, taking a step back from your immediate stress to understand (and accept) the fact that there are some situations beyond our control of which we need to let go, but many others wherein we have a variety of choices in terms of what we say, do and think can lead to a greater sense of peace and happiness in our lives.    I wish you all the best in the New Year as you set out to make it a most meaningful and joyous one.