April, 2008

Parent Tip of the Month

Parent tip – Penny Apollaro, LCSW

 Hello Parents,

Spring is here and can bring with it renewed energy, readiness and eagerness as well as sense of optimism.  This is a perfect time, then, to put these resources to work for us.  The following parenting tips can help you as you “renew” your relationship with your child(ren)…

 The 3 P’s: Proactive, Positive and Preventive (from Aureen Pinto Wagner, PhD)

1) Create a plan to be proactive instead of reactive in terms of dealing with your child’s problematic behavior.   When we are constantly on the defensive – reacting to a child’s difficult behavior – we can be left feeling exhausted, stressed and irritated if not angry, and helpless (as can our child).  Being proactive means anticipating upcoming events of the day or week that might be stressful and creating a plan on which you and your child can rely.  This includes a discussion about the specifics of the event, how your child feels about the different aspects, how he/she might cope with these feelings/what would help him/her manage the event, what choices he/she has (even those involving negative consequences) and what choice he/she wants to make.  From a behavioral perspective, this can mean breaking down a target positive behavior into small parts and positively reinforcing (with praise or tangible rewards) efforts or approximations and successes instead of only punishing and/or attending to the negative behaviors.

2) Make time for positive interactions with your child (which is a proactive strategy as well).  This is referred to as YAMA time – or You and Me Alone – time.  It should be at least 15-30 minutes a day of child-focused activity – doing something that the child chooses (among a pre-selected variety of choices if need be) and enjoys.  While you may wonder how to fit that in your already busy schedule, rest assured, you will spend time with an attention-seeking child one way or another.   Doing so within a positive framework helps build your child’s repertoire of positive experiences and can lead to increased confidence (on both sides) and a closer bond between the two of you.  During this time, following child-centered play therapy based principals, you can “join” your child in his/her play by “tracking” his/her behavior (labeling it – i.e. “you’ve chosen to draw with lots of colors”) and offering empathic/reflective and non-judgmental responses that convey your understanding of your child’s behavior (i.e. “you worked really on that drawing” – “you’re proud of your work”).  

3) Be preventative – meaning anticipate and avert and unnecessary triggers for your child’s disruptive behavior.  When a child has used most of his/her energy to contain him/herself and deal with stress during the day – his/her threshold for frustration and/or worry/anxiety is lower.  Making sure that a child is not too fatigued or hungry and is getting enough sleep at night are common antidotes to stress.  So, for example, allowing a child to have some “down” time right after school and making sure he/she has a healthy snack are good preventative measures.   If you know that your child did not get enough rest last night, reduce his schedule today to include only necessary activities.

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